Although I had admitted I was an alcoholic and had managed not to take a drink in years, I continued taking the pills. 

My home life as a child was chaotic and abusive.  Growing up amongst two alcoholic parents, I never felt safe and lived in a constant state of fear.  I had my first panic attack at the age of 19 and at 25, was diagnosed with panic disorder and social phobia.  Shortly thereafter, my doctor prescribed to me the benzodiazepine tranquilizer Xanax (alprazolam), which I came to believe was the miracle drug.  It completely calmed me down and took away all my anxiety.  It now allowed me to do things which I had come to avoid, such as flying and public speaking. 

When I was medicated, I would think, “Wow, this is how normal people must feel.”  While I still occasionally attended 12-step meetings, I didn’t have a sponsor and never worked the steps.  I still considered myself a recovering alcoholic, even though I was still taking mind-altering substances and not being honest with myself.  As the years went by, the more psychologically dependent I became on the pills.  Although I wasn’t yet taking them daily, I wouldn’t leave my house without them.  I had a stash of them in pretty little pill boxes in my purse and in every room and closet.  I would count them, even when I still had large quantities left.  I began to fear that my doctor would one day cut me off and then what would I do?  How would I survive?  I gradually became more and more anxious and was now also depressed.  Strangely, I also began having bouts of agoraphobia, as well.  Unfortunately, what I didn’t know at the time was it was actually the pills that were causing me to feel this way, not my natural state of being.  I began taking more pills to feel better – which was now every day.  Within seven weeks of taking Xanax daily, as prescribed by my doctor, I was now physically dependent on the drug.  Since I had experienced withdrawal from alcohol in the past, I had a hunch I was in trouble when my last dose of Xanax began to produce intense withdrawal symptoms within 4 hours, stronger and much more unusual than I had ever experienced.  I don’t believe I ever completely comprehended what physical dependence really meant until it had its grip on me with this prescription drug.  When I drank, sure I would feel shaky the next day and it usually took me a few days to get back to feeling “normal” again.  However, the duration and severity that drug dependence from sedatives create is a beast of its own uniqueness.  What I didn’t know was how long the withdrawal was going to last and it was a good thing I didn’t.  Not only did I encounter a wide range of physical symptoms, but it was actually what this drug did to my mind which made me hit my bottom.  Because I refused to take another dose, I quickly became mentally unstable and had to check myself into a psychiatric ward.  I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  I felt as if I was now living in a heavy fog - some sort of my own bizarre bubble, barely able to function.  I was having auditory and visual hallucinations.  My memory had become temporarily disabled and I was unable to write a legible sentence.  I was hypersensitive to light and sound and tinnitus had taken over, so loud and persistent it was almost unbearable.  My perception was now completely distorted, as I felt I was viewing life looking out a window, but knowing I was still looking through my eyes.  Then the periods of mania came, which quickly shifted to uncontrollable tears and panic.  After the first couple days in the unit, I refused to take any more pills to stabilize me, as nothing was helping.  I would not advise anyone to stop taking sedatives cold turkey as I did, but my thought was psych meds such as these were what got me here.  The period of my withdrawal was a staggering 18 months. 

I was so lucky to find the program of Pills Anonymous, which has become my anchor throughout my recovery from the living hell I experienced in mind, body and spirit due to the effects of this dangerous drug addiction.  My friends, other prescription drug addicts in this program, supported me at a time when I literally felt I was losing my mind.  Before discovering Pills Anonymous, I was living in my own world of an arcane darkness that seemed endless, completely disconnected from myself and my higher power, longing for the life I once knew, due to the occurrence of rapid changes and depletion in my brain chemistry caused by what I once believed was a “miracle drug”.  PA embraced me and reassured me that I wasn’t alone and there was hope.  I now attend meetings regularly, have a sponsor and work the 12-steps.  I also work with other prescription drug addicts on a daily basis, which helps me greatly.  There was a time not so long ago that I believed I would never feel peace again.  I am living proof there is recovery and serenity to be found in this program.  My depression is now a distant memory and my panic attacks have almost completely abated.  My life today is so much better than I could have ever imagined.  I am no longer dependent on mind-altering substances and no longer live in fear.  I am forever grateful and couldn’t have made it without the support of Pills Anonymous.